Theres no rush, Love will come in time I am sure but until then I realise that love doesn t happen in an instant, not the sort of love I want in my life doesn t anyway. I have stayed on my own because I needed time and because if I am ever to go into a new relationship I want to offer myself with a true heart and a clear mind I don t want anyone to doubt me. I found my magic and I found it because of some very special people that are now part my life. You might find that you didn’t enjoy either the experience of dating, or her company, and so keep things as friends at work dating after emotional abuse. ,Physically and emotionally ,spiritually and financially. You might just prefer to get on and try dating and deal with whatever happens, if it happens. However I am aware that not every man is like that. It might be you decide to see her again, or perhaps feel while it was pleasant the one-off date was enough for now. Recovery from an emotional breakdown has made me want to be a better person, it has encouraged me to learn and to work on myself. Perhaps to ward off predators or to have someone know dating you may be different from dating someone who is not a survivor. Didn t tend to work out that way though. 6 November 2015 • 4:15pm I was married for a long time to a woman who was physically, sexually and verbally violent. It has taught me to look within myself and think about my emotions and it has also given me the incentive to overcome my past. But for a first date this may be unnerving, or even seem like you’re coming on a bit strong by telling someone such intimate things about your life when they don’t really know you. Of falling in love, of trusting someone who could betray or hurt them, of being rejected, or feeling too numb to be able to really connect with anyone meaningfully. One of the important conclusions that I have come to is that from now on I need to be completely honest about things, not just to others because the one thing I don t do is lie, I just don t tell. I’m 44 years old with four grown up children who have babies. I am more than capable of doing that myself. In fact I am grateful to them for teaching me who I don’t want to be and how I don’t want my life to be.

If you are still fearful of being harmed then it might be that, right now, other sources of support and care may be better for you than dating. I would like to ask her out - but I am worried history could repeat itself, or whether I have to tell her. None of us are perfect and by the time we have hit our 40,s things have started to creak a bit. These people who in one breath were telling me that they loved me and then with the next were tearing me to pieces. I prefer steak and cake to rabbit food and pumpkin seeds. I was told by a certain arsehole, that I should settle for what I had because no one else was going to rescue me. I want the person I share my life with to tell me if I am wrong and who accepts that no one is perfect and we can’t all be angels all the time. Thinking about what you would, and would not, like to do may be a useful exercise before trying to be intimate with a partner. I knew that the person I had become was not the person I was and before I could even think of being with someone else I needed to find me  I have too learn too love myself first before I expect anyone else to love me. I had to walk the road to knowing myself. For many men who’ve survived abuse, particularly (although not exclusively) sexual abuse, this is a common concern. You may be considering having sex as part of dating, or perhaps for now you would prefer to avoid having sex while still enjoying companionship, conversation, flirting or romance. We all get older and I am comfortable with my body. You may find the urge to talk doesn’t go away, or rather it becomes less of an issue. They are rules that are all about being safe healthy and having healthy boundaries. It went on for years, they told me I needed to be thinner so I starved myself, they told me that I was stupid so I tried to learn. The rules are for myself and they are all about self control self worth, self esteem and most importantly self belief. But jolly messages about getting back into dating may be counterproductive if you don’t consider your needs and preferences first dating after emotional abuse. I internalised all the pain and the emotions and the hurt until it ate away at my soul and broke my spirit  I am now healing and I am moving in to a new era of my life.

I suppose in some ways it was easier when I allowed myself to be manipulated. How was I suppose to ever believe I was complete. We learn something from anyone who enters our life I don’t like lies ,deceit or heavy drinking..
. Because of your worries about being hurt again it may be you, like others in the same situation, feel you need to disclose things early on. No not at all its because I know that I am a loving person, a bit bent with a few too many scars but I know I’m not a bad person. They hurt me and made me angry but instead of standing up for myself and asserting my right to respect and good treatment. I have so many things that I want to do with my life so many adventures that I know are just waiting to happen and from now on  I want to look forward to every day and smile knowing that I am loved. People who have experienced relationship abuse can worry they may be abused again. Experiencing abuse for a second time is not inevitable Credit: Alamy You know you can recognise and walk away from abuse, even if that took time and courage to do. I actually added it too my profile in the end that if they were just contacting me to  raise either their  ego or whatever else ,that they didn’t  need to discuss this with me as I had already heard it all. Time after time I was treated as if I was  damaged, worthless, and unworthy of love. I knew the rules I had to work by, their rules. It may be you decide to see her but also start dating more widely, including online dating. Only thing is that outer shell broke, it shattered into a million pieces It took me a long time to put all the pieces of my broken soul back together, but I did and discovered that I had created a  new and improved model. But they were dysfunctional and unhealthy rules which created there version of me. Reminding yourselfwhat abuse looks like may in turn allow you to make a plan of what you want a relationship to look like, and what you are simply unprepared to tolerate. You might decide to start dating more widely (posed by models) Credit: shock / Fotolia/AP There’s always the risk of anticipating so many scenarios and overthinking things that you become more anxious. ..


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